In my almost three years as a mom I’ve had to learn a lot. Learn how to mother. Learn how to love someone more than myself. Learn how to cope with my heart breaking and expanding at the same time. And the funny thing is I learned all of these things without even realizing it. Without even trying. The moment I became a mom it just clicked. There was no learning curve. No time to perfect my mothering. As soon as that baby came out of my body and was placed on my chest I was a mother. He was mine. I was his. And I would give anything, do anything, be anything for that sweet baby.
I’ve struggled during my motherhood journey with letting go. With each milestone Hudson reaches it felt like he was growing away from me. Each wobbly step he took as an 11 month old was another step away from me. Each new word he learns brings more independence and more confidence in himself. And it breaks my heart a little bit each time. It’s strange to feel both joy and heartbreak at the same time. I want my son to grow up and discover who God made him to be, but at the same time want to carry him around on my hip forever.
Babies don’t keep. It’s heartbreaking how quickly they grow up. That fuzzy head I used to kiss is now covered in beautiful golden hair. Those tiny feet I felt kicking in my belly now can run faster than me. And I tear up thinking that those chubby little hands that I love to hold will one day be bigger than mine. That instead of looking down to see a sweet boy clinging to my leg one day I will have to look up to him. And maybe one day he won’t ask me to carry him around or kiss his boo-boos. He won’t need me to fill up his milk cup, read just one more book, or put on his shoes. One day he might not need me at all. And my heart is breaking at the thought of it.
But these past few weeks as I prepare for baby #2’s arrival my own mother has helped me see that the mothering never ends. My mom, who listens to every word I say, gets riled up when I’m riled up, upset when I’m upset, celebrates with me when I am happy, who drops what she’s doing at a moment’s notice to help me out has shown me that no matter how old you get, you will always need your mother. I needed my mom the day I became a mom myself. I needed her to tell me I was doing it right. I needed her the night Hudson first got sick and I didn’t know what to do. I needed her to be my personal shopper when my pregnant body couldn’t make it to the store to pick out the dress in these photos. I needed her to push my two year old around the neighborhood when I was exhausted. I need her for a hundred million little things….and it brings me comfort. I hope Hudson needs me too. I hope one day when he becomes a dad he gets a little glimpse into how much I love him….and how much he will always need me.