The Girl in the Red Shoes

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The Breastfeeding Diaries: Holly from Belle to Businesswoman

 Hello! My name is Holly from Belle to Businesswoman, and my bouncing baby boy, Graham, is 10 months old. I’m so happy to be sharing my story here on Julie’s blog. I’ve enjoyed reading all of the previous stories and I hope my experience will help a few new moms out there.
I always wanted to breastfeed. It was something I’d always pictured doing when I dreamed about being a mom. It seemed like such a sweet thing to do – a calm, snuggly way to bond with your baby. And of course I wanted my babies to have all the wonderful benefits of breast milk!
Graham was born 4 weeks early. I was sure I was going to have a 10lb, 2-week late baby, so you can imagine how surprised I was that he came so early, weighing in at 6lbs 2ouces. I had a very easy labor and birth – everything worked the way it was supposed to – including my epidural, thank goodness!
I was able to hold Graham for about 5 minutes after he was born, and then he was whisked off to the NICU so they could monitor his breathing. I didn’t get to hold him again or feed him for 12 hours. A lactation consultant was sent to my recovery room soon after the birth to show me how to pump. I really hadn’t thought much about pumping – I thought I’d have plenty of time to figure that out once my maternity leave came to an end. I started pumping that day every 3 hours…little did I know that I would be chained to that pump for a lot longer than I ever expected.
Once I was finally able to try to feed Graham – I was so optimistic. He latched on right away and seemed to be eating. We worked and worked and worked at breastfeeding while we were at the hospital. My husband and I went to the NICU for every feeding (every 3 hours) the first few days – even during the night. And I was still pumping every 3 hours too.
We were told Graham was a “lazy eater” and wasn’t actively sucking during feedings, even with a bottle. One nurse said he had “wimpy white boy syndrome.” (Statistically, white males do the worst in the NICU. They just take longer to develop.) So after I breastfed, they would feed him formula through a feeding tube. I was discharged from the hospital after a couple of days but we had to leave Graham behind. They wouldn’t let him leave until he could eat 12 full bottles in a row. Leaving him there was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Every day we would drive over to the hospital in the morning in Atlanta’s rush hour traffic. We would stay in the NICU all day until around 11:30pm when we finally drove home. And I was still pumping. We had 5 consultations with 3 different lactation consultants that first week. But my milk never fully came in. I’m not sure if it was the fact that I wasn’t able to feed Graham right after he was born. Or the fact that he was a “lazy eater.” Maybe my body didn’t respond well to the pump. But the most I ever made was an ounce total each time I fed Graham or pumped.
This is ALL the milk/colostrum I pumped the first week of Graham’s life.
Graham was discharged a week after he was born. I was so happy that day! I finally got to be one of the moms I kept seeing leave the hospital – riding in a wheel chair out to the car with a brand new sweet baby. One of the best moments ever!
At this point, I was still optimistic about breastfeeding and thought I would eventually make enough milk to feed Graham. We tried so many different things that first month. I was still pumping for 15 minutes after each feeding, every three hours. Our routine looked a little like this: I would try to breastfeed (for about 20 minutes), then feed Graham a bottle (which took about 20 minutes for him to eat) and then pump for about 15-20 minutes. So I was feeding/pumping for almost an hour, every 3 hours…even at night. It. Was. Exhausting.
I tried eating tons of oatmeal, which is supposed to increase your milk supply. I took fenugreek and blessed thistle and drank mother’s milk tea. We met with one last lactation consultant and she suggested trying a heating pad on my chest, taking hot showers and doing some breast massage. (Which my husband was more than happy to help with – ha!) We also tried an SNS system for about a week, which is basically a bottle with a tube that you tape to your nipple. As the baby breastfeeds, they are also fed with formula or expressed milk from the tube.
I even ended up taking Reglan for a month (a prescription drug for gastrointestinal problems that can increase your milk supply) despite all the scary side effects. (Reglan can cause a permanent condition called tardive dyskinesia, which can cause unusual uncontrolled movements of the face, mouth, tongue, arms or legs, similar to Parkinson’s Disease.) Yikes!
That first month was awful. Since it took so long to feed Graham, I felt like I couldn’t go anywhere. I was so lonely. I was exhausted. I was dealing with the emotions of being a new mom, I was getting used to being home all day alone (after working in a busy, talkative office), I was worrying about going back to work. And to top it all off, I finally admitted I was suffering with postpartum depression.
And even after all of that, I was still only able to produce one ounce. After that miserable first month, I decided to come to terms with the fact that one ounce was all I could make. I accepted it and finally put my pump away. But I still wanted Graham to get what little milk I made. So I continued to breastfeed him my ounce each time he was ready to eat. Then, right after, I supplemented with a bottle of formula. It still took a little bit more time, but the extra 20 minutes was worth the extra nutrients he was receiving.
And I LOVED breastfeeding. That bonding time that we shared was so special to me. I loved looking down at Graham while he ate. Especially once he got a bit older and started to look back up at me. And those sleepy smiles while nursing – so sweet!
So that was our normal. It worked perfectly for us for about 5 months. After that, Graham decided that he wasn’t patient enough to breastfeed first and then have his bottle. I continued to try for about a week until I realized he just wasn’t going to have it anymore. I got back out my pump and pumped my ounce for Graham every three hours during the day until he turned 6 months old. Then I cut it back to just once in the morning. Every drop counts, so Graham still gets a few drops of my milk each day. I’ve also been blessed with a wonderful friend who has donated some of her milk to Graham.
I wish I knew exactly why I never produced enough milk. And I pray that things will go smoother with the next baby. I also wish there was more information out there about having an early baby or a baby in the NICU. I was so unprepared for that situation.
As for advice for new moms – I’m not really sure what to say. I guess just know that your hormones and emotions will be out of whack when your baby arrives. I was in such a depressed state and although some of it was from the postpartum depression, I know a lot of it came from being so obsessed with trying to make breastfeeding work. I was scared I was going to feel like that forever. But it does pass. And your hormones will even out and you will feel normal again.
I’d also like to tell new moms to not put so much pressure on themselves to breastfeed. Formula is just fine and you aren’t a failure if it doesn’t work out. But I didn’t listen to that advice, and honestly, I’m sure I’m going to be even more determined with my next baby to make breastfeeding work.
I’m so thankful I was able to experience breastfeeding Graham. And so blessed that my amazing husband was completely supportive during this whole experience.
We have millions of pictures and videos of our sweet nursing sessions that I will cherish forever. He is such an amazing baby and I’m so glad I was able to provide milk for him, even if we had to supplement. I love him so much!
Make sure to catch up with the rest of the Breastfeeding Diaries series at the top of my navigation bar. 
If you would like to contribute your story, please email me!


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Comments

  1. I loved this! It hits close to home for me and sounds almost exactly like my story. I find it comforting to read other mom stories about this to know I am not alone. Thanks for sharing!

    Erica
    thenewnorms.blogspot.com

  2. I love this. You never know what to expect. And what curveballs will be thrown your way. But as long ad mama and baby are happy and healthy your doing it right!

  3. Thank you for sharing your story, Holly. What an emotional roller coaster those first few weeks are, huh? Man, we are so hard on ourselves. You did amazing! I hope you look back on your experience with pride knowing that you did absolutely everything you could. Way to go, mama!

  5. Thank you for finally featuring a story of someone who despite all efforts couldn't make all milk needed. This is my story as well, and since the time I had to go through this, I have found that this is more common that people will lead you to believe. Based on the number of similar stories, this is NOT an isolated 3% of population, as someone stated here, that deals with such issues… Good luck to you! You're a great mom! I wish I had been so strong and assertive about breastfeeding as you!

  6. Came here by way of Holly, but I look forward to checking out the rest of your blog!
    H- thanks for sharing! I know this helps out many and I'm lucky to have a friend that will be able to share so much knowledge and support when we finally get around to babies 🙂
    – L

  7. Julie – Thanks again for sharing my story on your blog. This series is such an awesome idea – I know it's helping lots of mommies out there. (Including me!)

    Erica, Erin, Sara, Nicole, Madalyn, and L – Thank you for the encouraging comments. I love how supportive everyone has been. "Mommy guilt" is a strong enough emotion as it is – we don't need other moms bringing us down. It's wonderful to see how each of the posts here on "The Breastfeeding Diaries" has comments from moms encouraging each other and building each other up – no matter what the story is.

    -Holly

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The Breastfeeding Diaries: Holly from Oregon Mama

Hi friends! Welcome to the first guest post for the Breastfeeding Diaries! I am SO excited to share several mom’s stories with you….each entry I’ve read so far has been wonderful, touching, and inspiring. Today I’d like to introduce you to Holly from Oregon Mama. Holly and I are real life friends and have known each other since we were 15! She is one of the kindest, sweetest, most genuine girls I have had the pleasure of calling a friend. Not only is Holly a breastfeeding rockstar to her 8 month old baby Abigail, she is also the mama of triplets! Yes….that’s right! Girlfriend has four adorable kiddos. 
Take it away Holly…..
Whether by pumping or nursing, the decision to provide breast milk for a baby takes commitment. And while pumping can be an effective (even sometimes necessary) way to provide nourishment to your baby, there is just nothing that compares with the experience of breastfeeding. I have done both. I’ve exclusively pumped for and breastfed…four babies. My first three came all at once, as triplets. They were born 13 weeks prematurely and were unbelievably small (our littlest weighed just 1 pound 9 ounces). They were unable to take food by mouth for the first few months of life, so I pumped. And pumped. And pumped. And pumped. Every three hours, on the hour, for six…long…months. It was a lot of work. It was, at times, very sad. It wasn’t what I had dreamed of, and it definitely wasn’t super-comfortable or attractive (two plastic flanges turning your nipples purple from milking you like a cow isn’t quite as picturesque as a sweet baby at your breast). But pumping served a purpose: my babies got the perfectly-made-for-them breast milk they so desperately needed and it provided me with a tangible way to mother them at a time when there wasn’t much else I could do. At the time, I imagined pumping to be “easier” than breastfeeding: I could do it whenever I needed to just by sitting down with my pumping parts and clicking on the pump motor (I used the Medela Pump in Style Advanced, like Julie). When we came home from the hospital with all three babies, 110 days after their birth, I continued to pump. I tried several times to see if I could get the triplets to nurse, but they had gotten so accustomed to bottle feeding in the NICU that they considered nursing more of a time to play around than to actually eat – and with three babies eating every three hours around the clock and trying to pump in between – I felt too exhausted to keep trying. 

My husband and my lactation consultant super excited about some of the first milk I had pumped for the triplets

Two years later, we found ourselves happily expecting our fourth child. And although breastfeeding her was something I desperately wanted to do, as a former “pumping junkie”, the concept of breastfeeding exclusively seemed foreign and kind of overwhelming to me.  Having grown up as an only child and not really ever seeing women nursing their babies in front of me, I had a lot of unanswered questions about the process. I knew it was best for baby nutritionally and there was a bonding element involved, but there was a lot I didn’t know about it that made me feel kind of anxious that I somehow wasn’t “prepared” or “qualified” to do it right, especially since my attempts with the triplets hadn’t been successful.  My best friend (a Bradley Method Instructor for natural birthing) lent me her favorite breastfeeding guide, Breastfeeding Made Simple, by Mohrbacher, and Kendall-Tackett) which alleviated oh so many of my anxieties. In a nutshell, it encouraged me to stop worrying and to stop trying to overcomplicate the process. Feeding at the breast is instinctual for baby and something baby is “hardwired” to do, just so long as that instinct isn’t interrupted and baby is given every opportunity to nurse – especially during those first 40 days while mama’s milk supply is being established. It taught me things I’d never heard before about milk production, like how milk levels actually rise and fall throughout the day and how baby might want to feed several times close together in a short period of time when those levels are high, also known as “cluster feeding”.  Had I not known these things ahead of time, I might have wrongly concluded that baby wasn’t getting enough milk or that I was doing something wrong! The book gave me confidence that I really was prepared (and perfectly designed) to breastfeed. So when Abigail was born (naturally, and on her due date!) she was immediately placed on my chest to nurse, and now, eight months later, it’s still her favorite place to be.

Abigail breastfeeding shortly after her birth

I still practice “responsive breastfeeding” (letting baby eat whenever she’s hungry) because I find it makes for a very happy, contented baby and a really good milk supply. Baby knows best when to eat…and how much! And words cannot express the joy and intense bond I feel with this sweet babe as she takes her warm little hand and gently rubs my arm while she nurses, or slowly pats my other breast as she sighs happily, half-asleep, rhythmically swallowing in big, satisfied gulps. After the trauma we went through with the triplets, nursing Abigail has been a healing balm. I do most of her feedings lying down, both of us on our sides with our tummies touching. It is a welcome time of rest and reprieve throughout the day (not to mention a super convenient position at night); no sitting up, no tired arms from holding a heavy, growing baby, just pure breastfeeding bliss. Her chubby little legs and feet tucked just beneath my bellybutton is seriously just about too much adorableness to handle. But it’s taken time and practice and perseverance to get here. Those first few weeks of sore nipples and engorgement were not easy. I saw a lactation consultant and had help from my doula to get me through it. I also recommend the My Brest Friend nursing pillow for at least the first month or two. It’s really firm and clips around you to create a perfect little “shelf” right under your breasts to help support baby, because believe me – it can get pretty darn tiresome trying to hold baby’s body and head with one hand and your breast with the other as you try to get a good latch in those early weeks! But that all gets easier day by day, and now if my nipple is anywhere near her mouth that girl will find a way to perfectly latch herself on to that thing like a puppy hanging from a new leather shoe…without any help from me at all! 

My lovely view

Breastfeeding in public was a little tricky during the first few months. Newborns don’t make it very easy to breastfeed discreetly, and Abigail refused to eat under a cover. A few of my friends recommended that I invest in a couple of nursing tanks – which has turned out to be the best investment ever! I bought a black one and a white one and I wear one every single day under my clothes (instead of a nursing bra) and I’m now able to nurse in public discreetly and with confidence because it provides quick, easy access for baby while still keeping my belly and back totally covered and her head covers the rest! I like the Basics brand from Target: they’re stretchy and thin and super supportive. Like Julie, I’ve nursed a LOT in my car, but being able to nurse in public, wherever I am, has made feeding her so easy and convenient! Since I feel the most “exposed” during the initial lifting of my shirt and positioning her on my breast, I’ll often go to a less crowded place or a restroom to get her latched on and then once she’s feeding well and I’ve had a chance to arrange my shirt so I’m mostly covered up, I’ll carry her back to wherever I was…while she eats, and with a nursing tank on it basically just looks like she’s fallen asleep in my arms!  I’ve found many people to be openly supportive and encouraging (lots of smiles and nods of approval and such), but on those days when I’m feeling a little timid or even “guilty” about nursing in public, well then I almost feel like it’s my duty to be bold and to help normalize breastfeeding in our culture by doing it wherever I am when she needs to eat, with a confident smile on my face and a big, happy baby on my breast. And as a wise breastfeeding friend of mine likes to say: “If they see a nip, they see a nip. If they don’t like it they can stick their head under a blanket or go eat their lunch in the bathroom!”

Breastfeeding my 8 month old baby in public…at Starbucks

Breastfeeding has become truly effortless these days. I can nurse Abigail lying down, sitting up, even walking around the house and holding her with one arm while I get stuff done! Her food is always available, it’s always the perfect temperature, it’s the perfect nutrition for her little growing body, and nothing feels as good as watching baby satisfied at the breast. Knowing what I know now after these first 8 months of breastfeeding Abigail, I really wish I hadn’t given up on it with the triplets. Even if I hadn’t been able to breastfeed them exclusively, I wish I wouldn’t have missed the opportunity to at least “nuzzle nurse” them (breastfeed for comfort and bonding rather than strictly for nutrition) and enjoy that special bond that only breastfeeding provides. At the time I was in survival mode and very stressed about pumping enough milk for them. Now I see I was overcomplicating it all, and that truly, breastfeeding is just as easy as any other method of feeding (if not easier)…and the most rewarding, too. Shortly after Abigail was born I met an elderly woman, in passing, while I was out with my new baby. With tears in her eyes as she gently touched Abigail’s tiny, pink, wrinkled newborn foot she said: “I breastfed every single one of my babies. It was the sweetest time of my life.”  I know many years from now I’ll feel the very same way about breastfeeding. Actually, I already do. 

If you have any questions for me or Holly, please email me (under “contact” at the top).
Catch up with the Breastfeeding Diaries here:
 Part 1: Getting Started
Part 2: First Days
Part 3: Getting Established
Part 4: Pumping and Working 
Part 5: Moving Forward

Comments

  2. Thank you SO much for your breastfeeding story and those of other Moms! I have recently found your blog and just had my first baby (a little girl)3 months ago. We exclusively breastfeed….from the source…and sometimes I think we all need a little pat on the back for what we do! I am still trying to be brave enough to breastfeed in public and this story has totally given me a little more confidence.

  3. What a great story! Thanks for sharing your experience. I am breastfeeding my son. He's 6 months. Sometimes I get stressed about feeding him in public, but this has made me feel a lot better.

  5. Yay, Holly! It made me very misty-eyed to read about how much you're enjoying your nursing relationship with Abigail. I'm so glad you get to experience that! And anything a mom can do to help another mom feel confident with nursing is AWESOME. I'm proud of Holly AND Julie for this.

  6. Julie, thank you again for doing this series! It makes me look forward to all those precious moments I will have with our little guy in a few months!

    • You are so welcome! Yes, breastfeeding a full-term non-NICU baby is a whole different (and much easier) ball game! I thought it was difficult in the NICU but it was because our babies were having medical issues that interfered with their instinctual ability to nurse (like tubes up their noses and down their throats). With baby #4 things were much, much easier, and totally doable! Best of luck to you, and you know where to find Julie and me should you need any support! 😉

  8. Very sweet post Holly! I'm so glad that you shared your experience. You and Julie are changing culture one mama at a time! I too had a wonderful breastfeeding experience and it brings back such sweet memories of my baby girl to read about your experience.

    And the tripets sure have your beautiful smile……can't tell if Abigal has it also!! You have a lovely family and your are doing a great job!

    Bev (Julie's mom)

    • Oh, thank you, Bev! I still remember watching that birthing video at your house and LOVED it! I'm so glad you passed your probreastfeeding views on to Julie; look how many mamas are being helped because of it! Congratulations on your sweet new grandson…I see a lot of you in him!

  9. Pumping for triplets!? Incredible. I often think that if I had to pump exclusively, I would not still be nursing. My body hates pumping and it's just a lot of work. I too used to think it was the easy solution (someone else can feed your baby! you can sleep!) yeah no, way quicker to just do it yourself! No heating, no sterilizing, no packing stuff.

    I've still always been a little embarassed to nurse in public, but we took our first flight with our baby last month and really, I lost all shame in the airport and on the plane. It was the first time that I really felt like well, I'm working with limited space here and if you see something slip, because my son won't keep this cover over his head, well, I'm not sorry 🙂

  10. I'm so glad that your triplets are healthy! I had twins six months ago, and can only imagine what a joy it would be to have three, but also extremely hard work.

    I really hope that I don't come off as offensive to moms who breastfeed, because of course everyone should do what they feel is best, but I do want to share my perspective as a formula-feeding mom. I chose to give my babies formula, because the idea of breastfeeding has just never clicked for me. Other women breastfeeding? Great. Me breastfeeding? Kinda made me cringe. I don't know why. I can't explain it. But what I do know is that my boys are growing and developing SO well and we bond ALL the time, regardless of how I feed them.

    So, I don't really know what my point is exactly, other than I want it to be clear that it is entirely possible to have a STRONG bond with your babies even if you don't breastfeed. And even more than that, they can grow and develop just like they're suppose to!

    I guess I felt guilty over my feelings toward breastfeeding when I was pregnant and I don't want other women to feel that guilt.

  11. Guilt doesn't help anyone and it sounds like your babies have a great mama. I honestly don't know how anyone could exclusively breastfeed multiples anyways; just with my singleton I feel like she's eating all the time! You'd literally be feeding non-stop!

  12. I so can relate to that picture of your first milk! I didn't have triplets but had to pump from the very beginning and I remember the first time I really got something – oh what a relief and joy!! Great story and kudos to you for pumping for three and now going at it again! 🙂

  13. Wow! I felt like I struggled a bit with nursing just one babe! You have inspired me with the whole public nursing thing. Most of the time I think it's ridiculous to hid in the car…but thats what I find myself doing! Although it is really empowering to breastfeed in public…especially when you get looks from others, I now kind of just laugh to myself. I love being a breasfeeding hippie <–this is what I call myself at work when I excuse myself to pump, or when I have to take a break from a shopping sesh with my friends to latch the babe on!
    thingstobestroudof.blogspot.com

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